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From email correspondance (quoted with her permission).
"One of the worst things about depression is people who haven't experienced it think it is a character flaw which can and should be overcome by discipline, sucking it up, taking a frown and turning it upside down. To them, it looks like other issues which they do recognize and possibly have overcome: laziness, self-absorbtion, lack of direction, etc. That is why people who do get it, who really understand the strength it takes to conduct a life with a 500-pound block of psychic concrete on board, who know that people who wade through mud all day are really brave--those people are treasures. My brother [...] (never afflicted) responds like your dad. My sister [...] (afflicted) gets it and is a source of huge comfort. I know you have people who understand. I do."
and
"There are several diseases which are diabolical. One is alcoholism--the disease where part of it is denying you are sick. Depression is its cousin--wherein you buy into the coffeeshop school of thought when you're in remission. You start to think, 'Maybe I am just lazy and disorganized, just like they say...!' It's also incredibly unattractive disease, wherein you know you are really boring others and they do not understand and you are not interesting on the 20th or so bout. I'm not saying you're boring me, [Sarah]. I'm saying I understand so well."
*****
And now I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up, so we can have lunch together. Here is my plan if he attempts to give me any more advice about managing my depression: run like hell.
No, seriously: I'll change the subject. If he persists, I'll get up and go to the ladies' room to give him a big time-out, and come back with another subject all ready to go.
If he asks how my book's going, I'll say "Great!" and change the subject.
Possible subjects: the weather. My dad's dog. Movies/TV?
Food my dad remembers from his childhood? What was a big treat? What was your favorite dinner? What food did you hate the most? Do you like it now?
*****
I wish Xanax worked for me, but benzos do absolutely nothing for me.
June 21 2007, 18:41:17 UTC 4 years ago
June 21 2007, 18:56:34 UTC 4 years ago
My father has told me to my face that he thinks people who take medication are weak (followed by smirking.) And I was not nearly as jacked up on meds then as I am now. My mom (never afflicted) at least tries to understand and I am grateful for her efforts, even though they don't always translate well. She asks questions and she wants me to get help and even though I can't explain it in a way she understands she listens and tries. She is the only person in my family that I discuss my depression with. No one else even knows about my last breakdown. Well, P. does, but he was there.
Thanks for sharing that.
xoxoxoxo
June 21 2007, 19:08:18 UTC 4 years ago
You're awesome, by the way, depression, no depression, still fabulous.
June 21 2007, 19:12:10 UTC 4 years ago
xoxo
June 21 2007, 20:10:09 UTC 4 years ago
Hope the lunch went/goes well!
June 21 2007, 20:20:42 UTC 4 years ago
Its always strange to me when people say they have no idea how someone could think about killing themselves. I thought EVERYONE thought about killing themselves. I wonder sometimes if most people just don't admit it.
June 21 2007, 20:30:16 UTC 4 years ago
The Roommate, who's never had any kind of mental illness, and has only a little depression somewhere off on her family tree, has a sister who's both genius level brilliant, and severely depressed. It frustrates me when TR rants to me about how her sister just needs to get off her ass and get over herself, etc. etc - TR's sole experience with depression is when she's ill, lost her job, having money problems, and so forth; she's not a very compassionate sister. Luckily they live on different sides of the country. I wish her sister could switch families with my brother, who wound up "normal"; not that we don't love him, but I think TR's sis might have a better support system from my crazy family.
June 21 2007, 20:33:42 UTC 4 years ago
June 22 2007, 17:11:48 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
June 21 2007, 20:51:23 UTC 4 years ago
Score one for team clue, yay.
June 22 2007, 20:17:50 UTC 4 years ago
xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxox
June 21 2007, 21:05:31 UTC 4 years ago
No one but my therapist understands what I go through.
June 22 2007, 17:12:39 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo
June 21 2007, 21:15:52 UTC 4 years ago
depression is a legitimate disease though when i tell some people that i take meds for it, they react as if I were doing something so outrageous.
it's really the same as taking meds, for example, for diabetes.
June 21 2007, 21:36:28 UTC 4 years ago
June 21 2007, 22:08:24 UTC 4 years ago
I love you. I get it. And I think you're beautiful.
And...even if it may not seem this way now this place that you're currently in will shift...things will become a brighter again. You will know a life that isn't dominated by this all the time again. I promise.
Just hang in there for me pretty girl. I will do the same. You know us working bitches have to help each other from sliding off the end of the earth sometimes. xoxox
June 22 2007, 20:19:38 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox
June 21 2007, 22:44:45 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxo
rd
June 21 2007, 23:35:37 UTC 4 years ago
'Maybe I am just lazy and disorganized, just like they say...!'
I'm always saying that to myself. Always.
June 22 2007, 03:07:00 UTC 4 years ago
Good luck with your conversation-making!
June 22 2007, 03:59:30 UTC 4 years ago
June 22 2007, 04:17:12 UTC 4 years ago
Your Mama is RIGHT! About depression and alcoholism!
(I speak from lifelong experience with *both*)
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Sheila in NJ
June 22 2007, 07:27:59 UTC 4 years ago
June 22 2007, 17:15:34 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
June 22 2007, 07:39:30 UTC 4 years ago
i would be surprised if you WEREN'T depressed. you're doing something with your life that's so big and so scary, i'd be surprised if there weren't some side effect from it. you're running against "the norm" at every level, getting criticized for it, and sticking to your guns. i am not saying this to suggest that your writing career is the sole source of your difficulties. i have the same problem you do, and your mom's words actually are very comforting to me.
i guess i'm just saying that when i read your entries, i don't think you give yourself enough credit for trying to topple the colossus, and the intense amount of struggle that comes with that. i think there's a higher price you pay for doing what you want to with your life. you are doing a very good job at making your ambitions more than just ambitions. i don't know you, but i'm very pfoud of you. i hope things went well with your dad. <3
June 22 2007, 16:11:29 UTC 4 years ago
June 23 2007, 01:29:24 UTC 4 years ago
p.s. found you again through
June 24 2007, 10:14:27 UTC 4 years ago
Severe depression runs on my mom's side of the family.
My sister still suffers. My parents diagnosis is "God will cure her." I've also had/still have my bouts with depression. You can't tell someone who suffers to suck it up, do something for someone else, there are people that have it so much worse, etc.
I like what Steven Wright says about depression:
"Depression is anger without the enthusiasm."
June 24 2007, 19:16:38 UTC 4 years ago
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo