word from my mama
From email correspondance (quoted with her permission).

"One of the worst things about depression is people who haven't experienced it think it is a character flaw which can and should be overcome by discipline, sucking it up, taking a frown and turning it upside down. To them, it looks like other issues which they do recognize and possibly have overcome: laziness, self-absorbtion, lack of direction, etc. That is why people who do get it, who really understand the strength it takes to conduct a life with a 500-pound block of psychic concrete on board, who know that people who wade through mud all day are really brave--those people are treasures. My brother [...] (never afflicted) responds like your dad. My sister [...] (afflicted) gets it and is a source of huge comfort. I know you have people who understand. I do."

and

"There are several diseases which are diabolical. One is alcoholism--the disease where part of it is denying you are sick. Depression is its cousin--wherein you buy into the coffeeshop school of thought when you're in remission. You start to think, 'Maybe I am just lazy and disorganized, just like they say...!' It's also incredibly unattractive disease, wherein you know you are really boring others and they do not understand and you are not interesting on the 20th or so bout. I'm not saying you're boring me, [Sarah]. I'm saying I understand so well."

*****

And now I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up, so we can have lunch together. Here is my plan if he attempts to give me any more advice about managing my depression: run like hell.

No, seriously: I'll change the subject. If he persists, I'll get up and go to the ladies' room to give him a big time-out, and come back with another subject all ready to go.

If he asks how my book's going, I'll say "Great!" and change the subject.

Possible subjects: the weather. My dad's dog. Movies/TV?

Food my dad remembers from his childhood? What was a big treat? What was your favorite dinner? What food did you hate the most? Do you like it now?

*****

I wish Xanax worked for me, but benzos do absolutely nothing for me.